A Retreat Within a Moment
Brief moments can be a spiritual retreat- even when the dishes need to get done in the next moment.
There has been great contrast in these seasons. We had a very long cold winter and spring sprang almost unexpectedly although I was certainly waiting eagerly. I think that it is often the contrast that brings awareness to things that would be unnoticeable if we had nothing to compare it to. This May has been unique in that way. The month of May opens the flowers more fully. Parts of me were still clinging to the comfort of winter and the closed bud of early spring but the opening happens regardless of my hesitancy. I have a responsibility to myself to open fully, as one of the warriors that comes forward with a rose instead of a sword, urging unfoldment and awakening and bringing light to the center of us all.
This month has been a surrender to the opening. Winter seemed to stretch on all the way through April and then BOOM! It’s May- surrender. May as well surrender (see what I did there?) because my expectations are so rarely my experience. Spirit has this amazing formula to unfolding and we never quite know whats going on until it is actually happening. Sure, I guess it would be nice if we knew what was coming… if we could plan our awakening. I like to day dream about having spiritual retreats; personal time-outs where I am finally able to unplug from the illusion and connect with Creator on my terms, in a quiet place where time seems to stretch on like infinity allowing just enough time to finish the book, get into deep meditative contemplation, and unite as One with all of Creation… hahaha!
Ok, I surrender! I don’t believe that’s in the cards for me; not at this point. Perhaps if I had chosen to postpone my spiritual unfoldment until the kids are grown and out of the house, until I am in a solid and stable relationship and job, then just maybe I would be able to roll out the red carpet for my padded approach to enlightenment. The truth is, my life is extremely busy and quite chaotic a lot of the time. My healing practice itself is still in a process of unfoldment so my work schedule is all over the board. My two girls live with me full time with no financial or physical support from their dad. My partner, the Love of my life, runs a business and has four children of his own and their schedules are far from routine. Together we have a pretty heavy dose of daily stress and responsibilities. Every day there are unanswered questions, unmet expectations and unwashed dishes. There has been an ongoing struggle of trying to keep up. In my overwhelm I felt like I was being chased by a rabid wild dog with no chance for escape; a state of true anxiety. But then as this prayer has begun to unfold, something beautiful happened. I would be running and look up and notice how truly beautiful the sunset was and somehow my gratitude and reverence would erase my fear and the dog would be led off my scent. These are the kind of potent experiences that have been teaching me how to surrender and take my rest in these small moments, allowing myself to be filled with beauty and love and gratitude until the whole quality of my experience shifts.
Now, I feel like I could do without a crazy dog to push me to the edge to remind me to give thanks for all of the beauty and blessings in my life. I am learning to slow down even in those moments where I am being pushed to the edge. The challenges are actually becoming much more pleasant. As an example, I recently accompanied my 14 year old daughter and her class on their 8th grade trip to Oahu. If I’m going to be challenged, it may as well be in Hawaii. They had been fundraising for years and I was very excited that they were able to create such a beautiful trip and itinerary. I would be a chaperone and driver but the schedule looked great and I would have plenty of down time on the beautiful beaches of Hawaii, as well as having the evenings for my own time… Well, that was the idea. Instead of relaxing downtime on the beach where I was able to catch up with all my reading and take evening strolls on the sand, I was up early each morning to shlep kids back and forth across the island to hike, snorkel, surf and swim. Their were grueling hikes through mud and mosquitos and straight up mountains, long drives with a van full of 14 year old hormonal teenagers, and days that just wouldn’t end. I was up early each morning and finished my responsibilities no sooner than my head hit the pillow each night… It was truly exhausting… and truly Amazing.
About two days into the trip I could see that I wouldn’t be having any personal time. I surrendered- easy to do when you’re in Hawaii, Mahalo very much! Each day pushed me and pulled me and I could see the strain on the kids as well. But, the kids were opening to new experiences and new possibilities and each day also made me feel strong and really allowed me to see and appreciate the moments in between. They weren’t long enough to read a book, not even long enough to open my book actually, but they were enough for me to look around and feel Mama beneath me and Spirit moving all around me and the Beautiful Waters rising up to meet me. I felt the deep quality of the Earth based prayers in my heart. These short moments stretched out in front of me and expanded around me because they were moments of the Heart- where love and gratitude live. I’ve been learning to breath and drop down into my heart in a way that has completely expanded my perspective and added the quality of acceptance and unconditional love. When experiencing Love and Gratitude from the heart, consciousness shifts and the impossible seems possible. The weight of tasks and obligations suddensly seems like an easy burden to bare.
Because of beautiful experiences like these, I have been able to continue with this practice of surrender and the practice of creating my spiritual retreats in the moments in-between. Whereas before, watering the garden would be an annoyance and a chore, it has become a wonderful opportunity to talk with my plants and feel the wet dirt on my fingers when I touch the ground to say good morning. When I begin to get frustrated and overwhelmed I am more aware of that moment and I usually start laughing or poking fun at myself – “wow! Don’t mind me, I am just entirely confused, I may have momentarily lost my mind!” In truth, in those moments of slipping back into illusion it is the heart that is momentarily lost. Frustration and overwhelm comes when I return to the mind and its way of constantly complicating things. I have been so much enjoying living in the heart and practicing the art of making the ordinary sacred. The obligatory chore of cleaning my kitchen has become an opportunity to put things in their place, with love and with reverence. The attention that my partner and children crave is given easier with more joy and more laughter and in that we experience each other in deeper and more meaningful ways.
Thank you, Thank you Spirit for the seasons of life. Thank you for allowing and urging me this spring to open when all I could remember was being cold and closed in on myself after this long winter. Thank you for shining your warm glow all the way to my center.